A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*