[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.