My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”