Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
“I wouldn’t.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”