“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Who chose this font
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”