“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Can’t. About to go please some beans
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I have many caverns
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it