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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised