me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Okay me first
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.