Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
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-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
S/o to @funTweeters .
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what