Ok who’s got my black socks?
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.