First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.