Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
He a real one for that
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
FINE, I WON’T.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.