God, I love Scotland
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I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
fourth time’s the charm
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.