just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My favorite type of men is ramen.