[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
me adding lol on a serious message
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
No. YOU-buprofen.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light