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One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
just got my engagement photos
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment