If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You Might Also Like
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
But wait…
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
damn he’s good
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Foo fighters still fighting foo.