I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Britain be like
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion