Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The symmetry is uncanny.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people