The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.