If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
🖤✌🏽
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
time for some seasonal decor
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
The Struggle
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My hips? Compulsive liars.