Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
There is no try. There is only give up.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
@funTweeters
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*