I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
S M O L
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”