We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
There are no pants in heaven.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.