When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My new favorite headline
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.