How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Buck naked
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”