Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
This why you should mind your business
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic