“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying