Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Awwwww shit.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White