In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When libraries troll their patrons.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Nothing to do, you say?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)