Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The most important meal of the day is the next one
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.