It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
You Might Also Like
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.