Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
me and the Superbowl rn
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare