Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
i hate you platonically
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.