I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
broke down and did it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on