I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I feel seen.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
The booster protects against what, now?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff