*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
You Might Also Like
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
awkward
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.