If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The Book. The Movie.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus