“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep