[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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Florida man
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The days of good grammer has went
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
mathematically impossible
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.