My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
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I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
c’mon!
the three branches of government
The Birdles
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?