Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Noah was an idiot.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated