I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.