Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)