[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.