*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I want to meet the individual who made this
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.