[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
All set.