Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
good morning
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies