My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup