*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
What a website
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?